What Are "Bidet Wands", And What in the World Do They Have To Do with the World Cup?

Aside from leaving off Esteban Cambiasso and Javier Zanetti, both of whom have looked positively world class with Inter for the past several months, there are other signs that Argentina's famous head coach might not have his head in the right spot heading to South Africa:

Diego Maradona has demanded two state-of-the-art bidet toilets be installed for him at Argentina's World Cup base camp in South Africa.

Builders were rushed in to carry out a £1,400 overhaul of the football legend's private suite after his aides complained that the existing bathroom facilities would not meet his 'high standards.'

His bedroom now includes two bathrooms, each featuring a bidet toilets, which according to a South African newspaper retail for £311 each.

They feature a heated seat, a warm air blow-dryer and front and rear bidet wands.

The toilet is available on www.sandman.com, which describes it as 'the best toilet seat in the world.'

Colin Stier, the manager at the High Performance Centre in Pretoria where the team will stay, said Maradona's aides had made the demand.

'(Bidets) are quite common in Argentina but hard to get hold of here,' he said.

'In the end we managed to track down a seat which has bidet nozzles, but to make it fit we ended up having to replace the whole bathroom too.'

Ah well. Messi's only 22, so he should have a great shot again in 2014. But it's hard to imagine that a coach who seems to have given more thought to his crapper than his sweeper will lead the Albicelestes to any significant results this year.